Time to Slay Some Dragons

Earlier this year, as I was just beginning to prep for the race, I was going for a run (something I really have never done until now as I try to train for the fitness test and the race in general-  running to train for the race, what a concept.) Working on trying to become a runner, I will run until I cannot breathe (which is not very far) and then I walk until I have enough oxygen to try and run some more. On the morning in question I was running in the rain and I was on my way back to my house. I was completely exhausted and walking at this point, and I felt like the Lord was asking me to try and run the rest of the way home (about a quarter of a mile). I was fairly certain I couldn’t, but I was game to try, so at the foot of a large hill, I started running. My lungs immediately started to protest and by the time I got halfway up the hill, I could run no farther. Then the Lord asked me to get on my knees and pray. Despite my worry that a car would drive past, I knelt on the wet pavement and prayed.

As I prayed, asking God to strengthen me and equip me for this call I heard him make me a promise.

God promised to break me.

In many cultures and mythologies, the concept of a deity promising to break you would spell death and destruction (or worse: immortality and destruction). However the God that I serve is a  God of love, and I knew that this promise was the promise of a skillful surgeon- that I needed to be broken in order to be made whole.

I accepted this promise with open arms- “yes Lord, whatever it takes. I am ready.”

The very next day God asked me to apologize to a friend I who I hurt a long time ago.

I had reached a point of assuming that the friend didn’t care, that she hated me anyways and that nothing would change that. It  also took a lot for me to even realize that I had been at fault. For years I had thought that it was a mutual falling out, even that she was to blame for our estrangement. God gave me clarity to see my own fault and also made it clear that I owed my friend an apology.

When I reached out I expected her to maybe ignore me, maybe chew me out for any and all of the things that had happened.

What I did not expect was forgiveness.

I was overwhelmed by the goodness and healing that came from our conversation. I found that what I thought no longer mattered to my friend, was vitally important.

The past few weeks, my church has been going through a series called “How to Slay Your Dragon.” We all have dragons that we fall victim to- that separate us from God and that tell us lies about ourselves. There are many kinds of dragons- made of sin cycles, fear, and insecurities. Throughout the series I have been wondering what my dragons are right now, what God wanted me to face. My dragon was lurking in the fog and I couldn’t see it. It wasn’t until the final sermon of the series that I saw my foe. My dragon is green and shiny and beautiful. He has long eyelashes and each of his scales is the size of one of my hands. My dragon is my pride.

As the Lord works on me, he is asking me to kill my pride. The dragon was significantly wounded in that small coffee shop several weeks ago, but we are not done here.

I have some dragon-slaying to do right here, right now.

As my squad prepares for training camp, we have been talking and prepping via facebook and groupme. The topic of team shirts came up but many of my squadmates expressed that they weren’t creative enough for the task. I have a BFA in studio art. Creativity is kinda my thing. I volunteered. We decided on a name and I got to work. I drew up some sketches and found one that everyone liked.

I felt that I needed to get these t-shirts done as quickly as possible so that we could have them for training camp. Someone had mentioned a good website to use, but I could not for the life of me find it in the group chats or on the facebook page. Instead of simply asking for the link I took it on myself to find something.

I was in such a hurry to get it done that I didn’t stop and think about what would really work the best for my teammates. Once I finally got it done and posted it to the group message a couple of people expressed (reasonable) concern about the site and the funding. This was completely understandable and I hadn’t really liked the structure of how the site worked in the first place but this challenged me to step back and really examine my heart.  

I didn’t like what I found. The more I thought about it the more I realized that my heart was not in the right place when I was working on these shirts. I somehow got in a place where I felt like I had to make it all happen myself, that it was completely up to me and so I didn’t simply reach out to my teammates to see what site they recommended and what would work for everyone. I had seen it as an opportunity to prove myself and my skills (my dragon, rearing its ugly [but beautiful] head). And as much as I hated to realize it and as much as I hate to say it now, but I think part of me saw a fundraising opportunity.

The enemy takes good things and twists them to use against us. My artistic gifts are a wonderful gift from the Lord, but the enemy took that to make me feel prideful and self-sufficient. Fundraising is a wonderful thing and provides the opportunity for God’s people to steward their money well and to engage with missions happening all the way across the world from where they are. Team shirts are absolutely not the place for fundraising. Team shirts are not the place for me to get in my own head and feel like I need to make everything happen by myself (hello!? They’re literally team shirts).

So to my squad: I would like to apologize. None of this was my intention. I really hope that by calling all of this out now that it will lay a foundation for us to be honest and vulnerable with one another and not afraid to challenge each other in love. I particularly want to thank those of you who challenged me on this and opened doors for me to really check myself.  

I also hope by calling this out now that moving forward the shirts will be team emblem and a source of joy and unity.

I haven’t met any of you but I already love you all so much and I can’t wait to slay dragons and do life with you.

I knew when I signed up for the Race that it would push and grow me in ways that I never imagined. I’m gonna have to get myself a hat to hang on to because I know that he is only getting started with me.